Friday, December 26, 2008

The Beginning

I have not gotten on the plane yet.  In fact, I have 3 1/2 weeks left until I do step onto that plane into another country.  However, I feel there is a lot to say before I leave, to be able to know where I am right now in order to see where I will be after those 6 weeks are over.

While I know that my life could definitely be so much worse than it is, I am aware that what I have dealt with has exhausted me.  I feel as though I have been stretched farther than I'm made to, turning me into a woman who feels as old as someone 3 times her age.  While it took until the last straw to really admit it, I know I cannot handle anymore at this moment.  I need a break, but also a boot camp.  It's time to do some in-depth seeking, know of what I am right now, and then be able to change with it.  To know that my existence does nowhere near reside in someone else, but instead that it is my own self, separated from the life of another.

It is interesting, even to me, that I must choose to leave the country on my own in order to "figure things out."  That I have to be thrown into a place I know very little about, where I am unable to rely on anyone but myself to get me safely from one place to another.  This is scary for me, but also incredibly exciting.  When I was in Colorado Springs over the summer I did have a friend there, however he wasn't with me most of the time and I had to find my way around alone.  And at first, I felt completely lost.  Even with directions to the hotel, I still managed to drive around in several circles.  However, once I had spent several days there I got the hang of things and knew my way around.  I felt so accomplished as though I had just run a marathon and finished in first.  I look forward to that "lost" experience again, only to end up with the accomplished, "found" feeling to take over.

Just so many of you know, there are several whom I will dearly miss while I'm gone.  There have been a select few whom I have leaned so heavily upon over the last several months, some even the few years.  You have continued to encourage me and let me pour out far too much emotion into your lap.  I appreciate the support you have given more than you could know.  It is important to me that you know this because I realize how exhausting it can be to be the stability in another's life.

I look forward to sharing with everyone the many things I experience, from preparation to departure to exploring the vast continent.  While I am no idealist, I do know that these will be six months I will never forget.